my nomination for most ridiculous 2 week span

Ages ago, when i was little and wanted to be a famous movie director/producer i used to come up with ridiculous stories to tell David Letterman when i finally got the chance to go on his show. I believed for ages that i would get married 7 times...at least one of those times would be a Vegas Drive-thru wedding with Elvis officiating. The idea was tacky and fantastic in my mind. And trully only became a non-idea after the whole Britney and that Jason guy did it...rendering it forever stupid and unoriginal in the minds of ALL Americans. So Britney got married for a few hours, and I had to come up with a new "true" but ridiculous anecdote.

Maybe in hindsight the last two weeks will prove to be the perfect ridiculous story. Okay, so flashing back to the car accident...my world is suddenly turned upside down, yet again. I have no vehicle and no plans to get a new one. I have a fantastic neck brace...and with a few hours of Physical Therapy from a witch doctor/kinesiologist (thanks M and R for teaching me about that word) I am now relatively pain free and getting some extra cash from the insurance company for "pain and suffering". Of course in the same week, I managed to break my bike (the brakes are soldered shut with rust...and I am too over the system to have to take it to a repair shop to get it fixed.) break my digital camera (at the charity ball, I dropped it and it shattered) was told that under NO circumstance would I be allowed to Rollerblade or Skateboard to school (they could not give me a reason other than, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.) Found out my supervisor at the board of education (aka my "boss") had committed Identity fraud with my bank account, and had signed off on automatic withdrawal from my account for bills for his buddy's company...(no, i didn't approve it...and yes, he thought i was a dumb foreigner girl who would never realize he had done it...and no there was no apology nor any sort of reprimanding from his boss....my solution was to take all the money out of my account and move it to a new account, that he does not know about.)

Then things started to look up a bit...My friend P is coming to town to visit, the car insurance company is providing a rental car for 2 weeks, and I have 9 days off of school to putz around and do nothing. Life was looking pretty good....until last night...

i got pulled over by the cops for "running" a blinking red light. I totally paused...and that is more than 85% of the Japanese population would do....but nonetheless...I found myself back in the interrogation room for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. As I sat there for (three hours) with Kiwi-boy my trusty translator (thank goodness he was with me.) I came to the awful realization that I had actually spent more time in Japanese police station interrogation rooms during the past 8 months then I have spent at all of the Japanese historical monuments collectively. I have done quite a fair share of traveling and wandering...But because of the Japanese police forces' open racism toward people outside the Japanese race....I will probably not be able to leave this country...because by now my passport is probably flagged...the truth is that, these people should deport me...but I don't think they will ever let me leave this country, because it seems that I have single handly given the Police force of Rural Japan hours and hours and hours of work....And since people keep telling me that this is a "crime-free" country and the only criminals that are around are "foreigners" I must be enemy of the state Number 1.

The good news is that, although they tried to charge me with a set of phony charges (ranging from not having a proper drivers license...being in the country without the proper paper work....driving without a passport (what?)...) At the end of the night, I got fingerprinted...but luckily not thrown in jail. And my fine is only $70, and upon payment means that it will disappear from life...

So maybe this isn't really Letterman material...it is ridiculous...but not really funny...actually it is just plain sad. Only 89 more days to go....Who knows, maybe i'll just pop on a plane with P and get back to my native land...where I have honestly never seen an interrogation room, outside of TVland.

Spullunking (i don't know how to spell it..you know, caving)

So before the whole latest crisis of my life (the accident) .... I had a really great day....I went with a couple of my friends to Kochi to check out some caves. We donned yellow suits, hard hats, wellies, and miner lights....and wandered into a cave with our intrepid Japanese guide. Really, we had no idea what we were getting into. Someone suggested we check out some caves, I figured since it was kind of a tourist spot, I wouldn't have much to worry about...and blindly followed the leader. In fact for the first 20 minutes, I was wondering..."Why did they make us wear these yellow jumpsuits?" I mean, we were walking on a paved trail thru the caves...it was a tourist trap...there was no reason for us to have dressed up. Then...our guide points to a fenced off area, and says..."This is where we start our journey.".... My friends and I looked at each other and started laughing...Was he kidding? There was a small hole in the wall, barely higher than my knee (and I'm like 5'2 so knee high, isn't very high)...we were to crawl thru that. And almost all of us made it. One of my friends got a bit clausterphobic and turned back, which was a shame, because the experience was really awesome. Once we were thru the crawl space we found ourselves in ankle high water (hence the wellies) with only our minor lights to guide us. Now, if we were in the States, I don't feel like this adventure would have been commercially possible, what with all the legalities and liabilities. We had to use ropes and rock climbing skills to scale the walls and move from "room to room". The cave was huge...insane. And there were bats...lots and lots of bats....all (but one) sleeping peacefully on the ceiling (the pile of bat dung was over my knees...luckily, i didn't step in it.) What a cool day...we had so much fun...and other than my friend B (who was a tad hung over ... okay drunk still... from his night on the town) who managed to spew a couple of times along the journey...I think we all have a new respect for cavers.

Hanami

Right now it is Sakura (cherry blossom) season...Possibly the most beautiful time in Japan. And the best thing about it is the Hanami (flower watching) parties. Most of the areas that have many sakura trees are strung with lanterns, and families and groups of friends come together under the cherry trees to have bbqs and picnics. It is so fun and lively. Everywhere you look people are drinking and laughing and really having a great time. It is like the first barbeque of the year, so everyone is just excited to be outside.

My friends and I got together for a picnic last Sunday night (the flowering trees really only last for a few days, so the key is to catch them at their height.) The location was so picturesque and stereo-typically "Japanese". The trees lined a stream filled with koi, the flowers were only beginning to fall, and the air was filled with the most delicate, lovely scent. If it weren't for those damn mosquitoes, I would have to say, this was the most perfect night of all my time in Japan. S and D made awesome Indian curry, Kiwi-boy and I brought our new specialty....Soba Noodles...M and N brought fresh Strawberries, snacks, and most importantly Chu-hi (cherry flavored of course.). We laughed, joked, drank, and I even wrote a haiku in Japanese (it was an assignment from my tutor.)

Sometimes, Japan can be so perfect....

accident update

Okay, so its like a week later and since I have had many emails about the accident, I thought I would let you all know that i am fine. Sore..achy...but fine.

Did you know the word for whiplash in Japanese is Moochi-oochi? I love that word...possibly one of the best sounding words in the Japanese vocabulary. I think when I am 98 and someone asks me if I remember any words in Japanese, I will look them straight in the eye and simply say, Moochi-oochi...

Too bad, such a fun word stands for such a sucky thing....Whiplash, is LAME!!! I mean, LAME!!! I have to wear a neckbrace, which makes it hard to do things like jump around and interact with the little kids. And seriously, I am really just tired of hurting. But I start "rehabilitation" (aka free massage next week...). And really the sucky-est thing of all is the fact that tomorrow night is the big "charity ball" (aka the most fashionable soiree of the year)...seeing as I live in the country and all...it definatly will not be the Biggest Bash I have every attended, but there are just so few opportunities to look cute...and I have finally had a reason to design some new jewels, which will be debuting Saturday night. Hopefully I won't have to wear the neck brace. If I do, I guess I will have to do some super fast bedazzling work, so that maybe it will blend in a bit.

Why is this happening to me?

That would be the question that I was yelling to the stars last night, (much like an unstable maniac). Complete with tears, many, many "fucks", and little bit of unintelligible rambling...I sat on the busiest corner of my little gossipy town having a very, very public meltdown. Why? Well, if you will recall the beginning of my adventure here in lovely, small town Japan...you might remember a rather hellish month long experince called "the car accident". I literally got beaten up by every Gaijin-hating Japanese person around...and then some...in fact unbelievably enough, it isn't over yet. I am still awaiting my prosecution and court date. The idea of facing prosecution over a fender bender in a world I don't understand, where things aren't really fair for outsiders, has always been a very present thought/fear in my mind.

Last night, the absolute worst thing that could happen...did. I guess i should be happy I am alive and no one was hurt.

I was going to Kiwi-boy's house, for a dinner party he was throwing. I was running a bit late, but wasn't concerned, because he knew I was behind schedule. 2 blocks from my house, the transmission of my car starts to grind and I don't know whether or not I will be able to make the green light. But, then it rights itself and I make it to the line in enough time. Out of the corner of my left eye i see a car speeding towards me...I don't think it had its lights on....It blows thru the very Red light...I know it is going to SMASH into me, and there is nothing I can do....my brakes are not slowing me down fast enough....I got hit. My car was instantly turned into an accordian...and in that second my freedom was taken away from me.

I know its dramatic. Everyone was okay. The man, his wife (who was balling before I even got out of the car...I remember thinking, they must of just been fighting, and that is why he didn't stop.) me...other than bruised and sore (the doctor is making me wear a neckbrace) we all were okay. So I was grateful for that...but the thing is, my car is destroyed. I have 3.5 more months in this country, and it is ridiculous to go out and buy a new car. It is ridiculous to even consider it. My town has no trains and a bus that stops running very early in the evening. There are no video stores, clothing stores, fast-food resturants, the market is the size of a 7-11...and here I am, STUCK (because of a bunch of mountains, that are difficult to pass via bicycle) for 3.5 months...it feels like prison.

And the man...well, he blew a red light and hit somebody. Where I come from, that would be considered wreckless driving. He would have recieved some heavy fines. In this country, the police will only charge him, if I am hurt for 2 + weeks...that means, if I continue to go to the doctor (who is on the other side of the mountain I might add) for the next 2 weeks, the police will possibly charge him with a ticket of some sort... (keep in mind that I might face prison time and a $1000 fine for my first accident...which was a minor fender bender...but this, guy has barely anything to sweat.) I love being a foreigner/outsider...I feel more and more like a second-rate citizen every day. Because of this...I am terrified, that this case will not be treated fairly, because they will see my past accident, and somehow make me at fault for this accident. It's so dramatic and ridiculous, but I believe a real possibility.

Lastly, when getting into an accident, one has to bring the victim presents as a "get well soon" and a gesture of "I am trully sorry." When I hit the man, I brought him a $50 cake (my teacher and principal picked it out) and a giant potted orchid ($35).. Kiwi-boy's host father hit a man and gave the guy an envelope of $500...the guy who hit me, gave me an $8 box of cookies....I know it shouldn't be about money and presents...but give me a break....i am getting the short end of the stick all around.

only 105 more days....

Ways to entertain oneself when you are sitting at a 3 hour long Formal Japanese Business Dinner (a.k.a how to make HELL fun).

During the 1 hour of unintelligible speeches (when everyone, including your principal is sleeping) look alert by doing the following:

-Sit up super straight, and do ab flexes.
-Pretend to be a robot in the off position. Plaster a fake smile on your face, sit straight, stare ahead, pretend you do not have a brain, but look alive.
-Count how many people in the room are actually sleeping…do simple math to figure out the ratio of people in the room who are sleeping vs. people who are awake.
-Write a mental list of everything you have to do that night, so that when you leave you can get EVERYTHING accomplished.
-Write mental text messages to your friends, so that when the speeches end you can duck into the loo and message them.
-Alphabetize countries/states in your head.

During the 2 hour Dinner portion (a.k.a. how to make it look like you have eaten, when you really are not hungry, but are required to eat.)

-Eat all of the garnishes (they don’t take up much room in your stomach, yet they make huge dents on a plate full of food.)
-Eat all of the vegetables and fruits (see garnishes for reasons why).
-Chew everything 25-30 times, very slowly (this kills time…and when you have 2 hours of food ahead of you…you need to kill A LOT of time.)
-Go to the bathroom every 30 minutes and text message in the stall. (make sure your keypad is on mute.) This will kill up to 10 minutes, where you won’t have to eat.
-Explain to your host that you are a vegetarian. If they dispute this (because they saw you eating meat for lunch). Tell them it is a new diet that you very recently started after reading a rather graphic article on Meat, Poultry, and Fish markets. Tell them it makes you very sad to discuss it.
-Constantly smile…it makes you look innocent

Spring Break

I took 8 days off to enjoy spring break. My plan was to go to Hong Kong, but unfortunately, I got the flu the day before I was suppose to fly out. So instead of attending the HK International Film fest, I found myself watching my personal filmfest on the couch at my parents’ house. I am not really complaining though, it was an excellent opportunity, to catch up on American movies that I had totally missed out on during the last 8 months. I also did manage to get in a great day with my dad in Hiroshima. The two of us hit all of the art museums. I think my dad may have been on a bit of a cultural overload, but he was extremely patient with me, and even allowed me to get a bit of shopping in (seeing as I was in the “big city” and all.) Once I got better, Kiwi-boy picked me up and the two of us went on a bit of a road trip.

Day 1: The goal was to get to the Japan Sea and eat Fugu (blowfish, a specialty of Yamaguchi prefecture, where my parents live.) After, driving for about 8 hours (distances are short, roads are ultra windy) we end up at the Sea of Japan…only to learn that we have worked our way out of the Yamaguchi prefecture, so there was no Fugu for us. We saw a great sunset and decided to change our goal to: Catch 3 sunsets on the three major bodies of water over 3 days.

Day 2: Kiwi-boy had to go to school, and I had meetings in Tak (our lovely capital). But, we still had a goal to accomplish: go to the cave of enlightenment, then catch a sunset on the Inland Sea (which happens to be 2 blocks from my apartment). The cave of enlightenment is a rather hoaky tourist trap that is suppose to be representative of the place that Kobo Daishi (Japan’s original prophet who founded 88 temples in Shikoku…the island I live on)…I guess it is a dark tunnel under a building, that has a bunch of creepy blacklight drawings on the wall. And in order to get around, one has to place their left hand on the wall to use as a guide, as you wander into the pit of blackness. Turns out the pitch black tunnel closes at 5 PM…we arrived at 6. Then we raced back to my apartment (which was only like 15kms away…that is like 8 miles) knowing we had a solid 30 minutes before the sunset. I don’t know why, we didn’t consider Japanese drivers or Japanese roads. Because those 15kms took almost 45 minutes to drive…hence, we missed the sunset….

Day 3: Kiwi-boy and I drive to Kochi (the “beach prefecture”) we fill the car with camping gear (which we never use because the weather turns rainy) and we head south. Kochi is a really beautiful place. I cannot wait for the weather to heat up, so I can do some camping on the beach. And it seems to be one of the only places in Japan where one can actually go surfing…I can hardly wait. Other than great views (we did catch a great sunset on the Pacific) Kochi doesn’t really have much else to offer. The highlight of our day was going to the Anpanman museum. A museum dedicated to one of Japan’s most beloved Anime characters. The whole thing was pure kitsch, but honestly where else are you going to find a museum like this, but Japan?

Day 4: Today we hit the Kochi market, which is an 8 block farmers market. It was kind of fun to wander thru the stalls and get some pictures. Overall, there wasn’t too much to buy and not much diversity of wares. It really made me miss LA and the farmer’s markets there…particularly the live music, the bacon/onion hotdogs, the fresh juice stands, and all the great street fare food. After leaving Kochi city we headed down to Ehime prefecture. There we stayed in Awojima. A city known for bull-fights, pearls, and the Taga Shrine…(aka Japan’s sex museum). Now, I have been to the Sex Museum in Amersterdam, and honestly, I was expecting something similar. Boy, did I underestimate the Japanese. The 1st thing I saw when I arrived was a life-sized chocolate penis w/ scrotum and a life-sized chocolate vagina…both for sale. (Keep in mind that this is a country that censors its porn, so nobody can see any of the “lower bathing suit region”.) Of course I had no choice but to purchase the penis for my homo-phobe friend (It’s going to really freak him out;) Then onto the sex museum…which consisted of 3 floors of memorabilia. The building is literally overflowing with sex art and tchtchokes (Even the ceiling is covered with pictures.) The collection is the life work of a Japanese priest, who has traveled the world looking for artifacts. I think it might be the only place in Japan where one can actually see photographs of models with pubic hair (another thing that is censored by the Porn police here.) I would say that although it was complete overkill it defiantly gives Amsterdam’s Sex museum a run for its money.

Day 5: Moved on to Matsuyama. The goal was to visit the Dogo Onsen, one of Japan’s oldest hot springs baths. The building itself was really cool. The price was extremely reasonable. But the experience…Ick!!! Okay, keep in mind that I love going to onsens. Being naked and bathing with a bunch of other females does not normally freak me out. In fact, I have come to rather enjoy the whole experience. But for some reason, this onsen experience completely creeped me out. I don’t know whether I was weirded out by the insane number of obasans (super old women) or by the weird smell the whole thing gave off (not going to explain it, but let’s say that it wasn’t sulfur that I was smelling). Regardless, I have never bathed so quickly in all my life. I even beat Kiwi-boy out of the baths by about 30 minutes (a record, because he usually only takes about 30 mins at the onsens). After the onsen we wandered the town. Stopping at the park to enjoy a Hanami festival (cherry blossom party).

Day 6: I headed to Himeji Castle. This is a super famous castle in Japan. It’s really beautiful. For some strange reason though, I got it in my head that there was something horrible going on. Call it partial schitzophrenia, I don’t know…but it all started when I noticed the security guards, calmly (too calmly if you ask me) searching every nook and crany in the castle. Then I realized each of the security guards I passed were intently speaking into their headsets, and scanning the crowd. Finally, I watched a security guard nervously pace back and forth, watching every single person as they passed. So needless to say, I got it in my head that their was either a bomb or a something equally as bad going on at the castle….Unfortunatly, when you are at a Japanese tourist site, it is nearly impossible to exit, when you want to leave. Thousands of old, slow moving people, one way traffic, and general claustrophobic feel of being carried by the crowd.

I finally escaped…and as far as I could tell, everything was fine with the castle…but honestly, I didn’t really feel like sticking around to see if anything would go wrong.

Hairspray

I came into school today (first day of the new year) and found one of my favorite badass kids getting a lecture from the gym teacher. Turns out the kid tried to bleach his hair, as it was a tinge orange, and no color hair other than black is allowed at school. So I see the kid wandering toward the bathroom with 2 cans of black hairspray. Guess who will be spraying his hair black everyday until he either shaves it or it grows out? I wonder what the school would think if I told them about how I went thru a phase where I dyed my hair purple?

End of the year Enkai

Went to a party the other night. It was in honor of all of the teachers who are getting transferred at the end of the school year. Japanese school systems are extremely different from the US school system. The school year ends in March and the new year begins in April (the kids only get about 2 weeks off between school years). And the teachers find out on the last day of school whether or not they get to stay at the school they are at. For the most part the principal and school board decide whether or not a teacher is an asset to the school and decides whether or not to keep them. Now, if the teacher is great, they can stay at the school for up to 10 years…but at 10 years, they are guaranteed to get a transfer. I guess the idea, is that it keeps everyone fresh and open to new ideas and places. But I find it rather stressful, since all the teachers are a nervous wreck in the month leading up to the announcements.

But, I’ve digressed…the enkai…so I show up at this party (a rather long drawn out, thing where I virtually drink alcohol alone and make up conversations in my head …being the only non-Japanese speaker, I find that people tend to practice their English on me, but then ignore me for more in-depth conversations…honestly, who can blame them.) And believe me, I try to get out of all of these parties…but I have found not only are they a nuisance but also a requirement…(as a side note: I am now in the process of trying to skip another party. But, I have recently learned that the board of education has made it their business to make sure I attend. I even got a call from the superintendent of schools telling me, that if my excuse for not attending is personal and not directly related to official business, then I better cancel my other plans and go to the party….More proof that the board of education does not have enough to keep them busy.)
So, the food arrives…and it is plate after plate after plate of seafood. All of which has a face. There was the baby octopus with the cute head, that I was suppose to crunch on. The shrimp with the black eyes and antennae, which I watched my neighbor slowly suck on and swallow. And finally, the bowl of fish soup with a whole fish inside it, along with the whole fish centerpiece where one was required to pull individual slices of sashimi off of. When I lived in the States I never ate anything on a bone, with skin, and especially with a face. I know this is terribly gauche, but I kind of like processed food, I don’t have to think about how it was once alive. But since moving to Japan, I have had to learn to eat stuff with bones and skin…And I can do it with minimal difficulty….but eating the stuff with faces…man that is just gross, I cannot get past it.