the light at the end of the tunnel

It's official, as of July 25, 2005 I will have completed my contract and will be able to leave rural Japan behind. I handed in my decision on Friday, and my supervisor was very unhappy. His face turned bright red, and a vein in his forehead started to throb. I of course knew something like this would happen, so I had tried to smooth it over a bit, by bringing in omiyagi (which is basically the mandantory present one gives to EVERYONE, each time they go on a trip.) and saying things like, I am very sorry, but i have decided not to return for a 2nd year. I even tossed in the pathetic breakup line, "It's not you, it's me...I think you are fantastic and please don't take this personally." Strangely, that kind of worked on the throbbing forehead vein...although, he couldn't make eye contact with me as I was leaving my Japanese lesson to go home.

You know, I really wish parts of this whole adventure had worked out differently. I mean, I came here with so much energy and optimism about what the year ahead would be like. I was enthusiatic about learning from a new culture and language and really excited about the challenge of teaching English to a bunch of japanese kids. Unfortunatly, I have been continually disappointed by Japanese society. The very blatant superficial-ness that the majority of the population displays, the passive-agressive energy, and the overwhelming need to conform. I despise the fact that within my town I am often ignored because I am of Asian-American descent, and therefore in their eyes not really a foreigner. Most people here think I should speak fluent Japanese purely because language should be programmed into ones DNA. Because, I don't speak the language, but look like I should I am often treated like a person with "special needs." Of course, its possible that looking like a blond-haired, blue-eyed westerner might actually be even worse. Whenever i go out with my extremely "foreign" looking friends, I experience the E.T. effect. Where everywhere we go, everything we do...we are watched, pointed at, giggled at...strangers come up to us on the street and feel the need to say random english phrases then run off giggling... "how is the weather?" "what time is it?" "how much is a ticket to Chicago?" usually they don't wait for an answer..
Or even wierder, I have actually had strangers come up to me, as ask if they could take a picture with me. I have always obliged, but it is totally strange.

I have nailed down how to look like a japanese person vs a westerner...so when I go out, I can dress as to how I want to be treated...It all comes down to the earrings. It doesn't matter what clothes I wear, how much makeup I apply, or how i wear my hair. If I wear earrings, I am automatically a "gaijin" and therefore free-for-all gossip fodder (usually they don't even whisper when they talk about me, they figure i cannot understand). If I don't wear earrings...I am clearly japanese, and therefore I can blend in with the crowd. I have found myself wearing earrings less and less these days.

After having this brief rant session of some of the negative aspects of my life here. I do have to say that there are a lot of positives; things that make me not regret having come. For instance, I have made some really amazing friends, who inspire me to do things I never would have thought of. There are so many opportunities to travel and see things I could never have seen from my LA home. And my students (at least the little kids) generally make me laugh, and make at least 2 days of my weekly teaching routine seem, worthwhile.